Fresh Meat: NPCs for Death Is The New Pink

Based on the wonderful Meatbags of my friends' minds.

SCARY THE GAY
BAD 13, DSS 12, MOXY 15, HP 15, AP 1
DRIVEN TO CAUSE PSYCHIC MAYHEM ACROSS THE WASTELAND
The OG Psychic Punk. Armed with two pistols (2d6) and the ability to 'Splode people's brains (1d6 Moxy damage), Scary is the leader of a small time gang of ex-slaves that escaped the Pits of Scratchtown and braved the wasteland to forge their own lives. He also wields a force-field doodad that allows him to absorb two Attacks per 24hrs and his rainbow mohawk shimmers when he's in deep thought.

THREE-QUARTERS TUBTHUMPING
BAD 14, DSS 8, MOXY 6, HP 12, AP 1
DRIVEN TO FIND THE LATEST WASTELAND FASHIONS
A hulk of a man clad in a gaudy denim suit, TQT spends his time pining for the finest of post-apocalyptic wear. If he's going to die, he's going to die looking good. His weapons of choice are a Gold-Bit gilded butcher's knife (1d8 and worth a whole lot) and an old fashion looking musket (1d10). Animals are distracted by his shiny objects and do not attack him, in fact his underground wardrobe is protected by mutant rats mesmerized by the glamed up gear.

TONKA
BAD 16, DSS 12, MOXY 15, HP 14, AP 2
DRIVEN TO RIDE FREE ON THE FURY ROAD
A squared jawed road warrior clad in melted plastic toy truck parts and scavenged licensed plates. Tonka’s motorcycle is equally as goofy and is outfitted with a sidecar for holding one of his companions. In addition to his bike and tools to keep it functional, Tonka is equipped with a shotgun (1d8) and an oversized spanner (1d6) and may be willing to give stranded Meatbags a ride for a fee of cat jerky and Bits.

TIFF DICKFEST
BAD 12, DSS 8, MOXY 11, HP 8
DRIVEN TO PERFECT HER FLESH-HEALING NANITES
Looting a nanite lab was both reckless and lifesaving for this brash young scientist. The nanites Tiff “discovered” are capable of repairing flesh at an accelerated rate, healing 1d6 wounds from a Meatbag once per 24hrs. She’s a bit of an irritated junkie, however, and doesn’t fix people up for free. She is partial to anti-rads and the weird blue mold found in the sewers of Scratchtown. The bonesaw dangling from her hip is lovingly called Rosie and is coated with a debilitating poison. (1d6 damage, roll Luck and if it favors Tiff target takes 1d4 DSS damage per turn)

SEVENS
BAD 16, DSS 13, MOXY 9, HP 7
DRIVEN TO BLOW EVERYTHING UP
Strapped with the most amount of bombs you've ever seen, Sevens is a scrawny goggled freak missing both his eyebrows and several limbs. He's wanted for trying to blow up Scratchtown on several occasions, the most recent being during a city-wide ceasefire for the Mayor's wedding. On his belt are four frag grenades (1d12 each), two plasma grenades (1d8 each, melts people on a crit), and on his chest two moltovs (1d8).

BLACK THE SWAN
BAD 11, DSS 13, MOXY 13, HP 7, AP 3
DRIVEN TO RESURRECT THE CROW GODDESS
A wild looking androgynous Meatbag with a welding mask modified to look like a crow's face and feathers sticking out of the pads of their armor. They speak in omens about a dark goddess returning to rid of the carrion of this world. Wields a 10ft spiked pole with skewered dead crows (1d8) and understands technology better than anyone (Auto success repairing machines, robotics, etc) Only eats rotted/burnt meat.

Occupational Hazards

In a land riddled with disease, violence, and social constructs, not everyone's born a wealthy noble or are appointed a knight or have the privilege to enroll in a mountaintop school of magic, so why should your characters?

The low and middle class are likely where you're gonna start.  Roll a d100 and get a job, hippie (Although "Ruler" is in there, but it's only a 1% chance you'll get it. Fucking classism.)

"Well shit, I got Barrel-maker, but my stats are that of a Magic-User." 
Calm yourself, child. There's aspects of magic and alchemy seeped into the cracks of even the most mundane occupations. 

I usually play games where magic is relatively dangerous to dabble in and has adverse effects on its users. (LotFP does a great job with this.) This makes it a challenge to those brave or foolish enough to seek out the powers from beyond. That being said, the first tasks a new occultist would most likely try to achieve would be making their career a little easier.

Re-skinning and coming up with spells for random medieval jobs is daunting, so I'm going to start a series of posts that have examples to get those thoughts cookin'.

Let's take a look at the Dentist, also known in the 1300's as the Laybarber. Not only did these folk cut your hair, they were questionably skilled in oral operations.

Check out that cauldron in the back and the string of teeth. 

Dentists were certainly dabbling in the Dark Arts back in the day. 

From Jost Amman's Book of Trades.

Dentists and other medical practitioners of the time relied on herbal medicine and rituals to drive away pain and discomfort. The Ancient Sumerians believed that tooth decay was due to small worms hiding in between your teeth and used candles made of sheep's fat to try and burn them out. Ouch.

Maybe your aspiring barber surgeon chose to perfect their craft with more powerful magic after singeing too many mouths. If they're lucky, they may have stumbled upon this pamphlet after perusing a hole-in-the-wall bookstore down a dark alley.

The Practiced Lay Barber’s Extraction Handbook by Leeland Penderson

Farmer At The Dentist by Johann Liss

 Leeland was an experienced lay barber trusted by nobles for pulling all of their sugar-incrusted, rotted teeth and providing them with the most stylish pearly-whites that silver could buy. In order to make the perfect dentures, however, he needed teeth. He obtained them by sneaking into peasants’ homes and extracting them while they sleep. Leeland perfected a spell in order to get the most teeth with the least resistance from the “patient.” He was caught forcing the teeth out of a boy who was distantly related to the constable and was charged with malpractice. Leeland spent 5 years in the dungeons before becoming a filthy street rat.

Amongst the scientific diagrams of the jaw and the short catalog of straight razors, there lie sigils for luck in hair cutting and wards for keeping "tooth worms" away, as well as several spells:

Oral Abscission

Magic-User Level 1

Casting time: 1 round

Range: 30’

Target: 1 being

After the lay barber has properly prepared themselves for surgery, this spell is cast in order to make full teeth removal a speedy operation. The patient’s gums will swell at a rapid rate, during which the teeth will begin to fall out. Patients that struggle from the process (make a Save versus Magic) may experience a sharp pain (1d4 of damage) and minor bleeding. The patient will not be able to speak for the rest of the day following the operation due to the inflammation of the gums.

Using this mindset could also be helpful for creating/re-skinning spells and making backstories for DCC (Dungeon Crawl Classics), where level-0 characters are often merchants or craftsman when they start adventuring. Just because they read from some mystical skull that gave them the power to ignite the air around them doesn't mean they won't use the ability to burn down homes in the night only to offer to rebuild them for a pretty penny by day.